Kakashi: Here we are in Japan!

Naruto: Thank you, Captain Obvi—

Kakashi: *covers Naruto’s mouth* SHH!! COMMANDER UNAPPARENT MAY BE LISTENING! *shifty eyes*

Sakura: I thought we already were in Japan.

Sasuke: Nope. We live in the fire country. It’s just similar to Japan…if Japan were some totally dysfunctional country in which there’s no clearly defined standard of modern technology and a government controlled by some gambling freak with boobs as big as her head.

*elsewhere*

Orochimaru: *holding playing cards* What will you do now, Tsunade-hime?

Tsunade: I’M BETTING IT ALL!!!

Shizune: But..but that’s the village’s entire fund for the terminally ill children’s hospital!

Tsunade: Pft! What have terminally ill children ever done for me?

Konohamaru: *cough* Here’s…your coffee, Hokage…

Tsunade: *sips coffee* PPHHHTT!! WHAT IS THIS?? I TOLD YOU TO PUT IN CREAM!!

Konohamaru: *koff* I’m sorry…I was…too weak…to hold up the pitcher…also, there’s blood in my urine…

Tsunade: GET BACK TO WORK SLAVE!!!

*back to Japan*

Naruto: What are we doing in a manga shop?

Rock Lee: GAI-SENSEI STRONGLY RECOMMENDED THAT I READ THIS AMAZINGLY DRAMATIC AND HEART-WARMING SERIES! *holds up book*

Naruto: ...this is a volume of Death Note.

Rock Lee: OH, MISA-CHAN! YOUR UNREQUITED LOVE FOR LIGHT PARALLELS MINE FOR SAKU-CHAN!

Naruto: You know that Light dies, right?

Jiraiya: AGH!! I HAVEN’T FINISHED READING IT YET!!

Naruto: Oh. So then I guess you don’t know that Light gets beaten by a f*cking elementary school kid.

Rock Lee: ARE…ARE YOU SAYING THAT SAKU-CHAN WILL BE KILLED BY AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL KID!?!?

Naruto: …sure…

Konohamaru: *koff* Excuse me, but do you have a tissue?

Sakura: Sure! Here you are—

Rock Lee: GET AWAY FROM MY SAKU-CHAN, SEED OF THE DEVIL!!! SUPER KUNG FU KICK!!! *kicks Konohamaru*

Konohamaru: MY LIVER!! I JUST BOUGHT A NEW ONE YESTERDAY!!

Sasuke: Hey, here’s an action manga published by Shounen Jump about a blonde warrior with blue eyes who wears a ridiculous orange and blue outfit and creates a giant swirling aura of doom when he gets angry at his enemies.

Hinata: Naruto?

Sasuke: No, Dragonball Z. Duh.

Naruto:…Sai, why are you reading that Yaoi book?

Sai: There are a lot of penises in here.

Naruto: ...never mind…

Sai: And they’re all bigger than—

Naruto: I SAID NEVER MIND!!!

Kakashi: OMG! EVERYONE! I JUST FOUND THIS MANGA ABOUT NINJA! EXCEPT—THEY’RE NOT LIKE NINJA AT ALL!!

Naruto: Why? What’s different about them?

Kakashi: Well, first of all, they dress all in black! And they’re always hiding! And all of their missions are about killing people!

Sakura: You mean they never wear designer colors or go on missions to escort drunkards to construction sites or save cats for fat old ladies??

Kakashi: NO! AND THEY DON’T MAKE HAND SIGNS OR SUMMON GIANT ANIMALS, EITHER!

Sasuke: That’s just messed up. Next thing you know, they’ll have samurai dressed up as mummies, or pirates who’re made of rubber.

Sakura: That was random.

Naruto: Hey, Jiraiya, come to think of it, where the hell do all of those monsters we summon live?

Jiraiya: San Diego Zoo.

Naruto: And another thing! You have that technique where you summon a toad’s stomach, right? How the hell does that work?

*flashback*

Itachi: What is this??

Jiraiya: HAHA! NOBODY HAS EVER ESCAPED FROM THIS JUTSU!

(meanwhile)

Gamabunta: BLARGH!! *coughs up blood*

Gamakichi: DAD! NOOOOOO!!!

*back in Japan, in a sushi bar*

Naruto: Where’s the ramen?

Kakashi: There’s no ramen here.

Naruto: WHAT?? THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE!! IF THERE’S NO RAMEN HERE, THAN WHAT DO THEY SERVE!?!?

Sakura: They serve raw fish on rice.

Naruto: …no seriously.

Jiraiya: Here, Kisame. Have some Salmon!

Kisame: *gasp* UNCLE GARY!!!!

Kakashi: Hey, there’s a bug in my miso soup!

Shino: *gasp* JOOOEEEYYY!!!

Sasuke: Excuse me! More tea please!

Kiba: Let me refill that for you. *takes cup*

Sasuke: Thanks, Kiba! *sip* o_o PPPPFFFTT!!! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!?

Kiba: I couldn’t find a bathroom.

Sasuke: Could you get me some tea, Hinata?

Hinata: Sure! Let me just—whoops! *spills scalding tea on Sasuke’s lap*

Sasuke: AAAGGH!!

Hinata: I’m terribly sorry! Let me wipe that off for you!

Sakura: *mumble* lucky bitch *mumble*

Rock Lee: *pours scalding tea on lap* SAKU-CHAN! WOULD YOU MIND WIPING—

Sakura: *punches Rock Lee*

Naruto: You know what would go good in this miso soup? Ramen noodles!

Kakashi: Here, taste this sushi Jiraiya-sama!

Jiraiya: *chomp* Hey, this is good! Where did you get this? And why is it blue?

Sai: Has anyone seen Kisame?

*later*

Naruto: I don’t like Japan! The buildings, the traffic, all vending machines, the puddles of dog pee…

Kiba: Yeah, sorry about that.

Kakashi: I never got to see Godzilla!

Jiraiya: Maybe I can summon him! SUMMONING JUTSU! *ominous figure appears*

???: GRRRAAAHHH!!!

Naruto: HOLY CRAP, IT’S CLOVERFIELD!!

…oh, wait. That’s just Tsunade.

Tsunade: Piss off, Naruto.

Orochimaru: BUUUURRRNN!!

Naruto: Can we get something to eat? Those portions of sushi were so small and unsatisfying.

Sai: Right. Just like your penis.

Orochimaru: BUUUURRRRNNN!!

Tenten: I say we go get some dessert!

Sakura: Tenten? When did you get here?

Tenten: I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN HERE! WHY WON’T YOU PEOPLE ACKNOWLEDGE MY EXISTENCE!?

Kakashi: Maybe you should become a super hero! I used o be a loser, but when I became Captain Obvious, everyone wanted me to autograph their inappropriate areas! In fact, you already have a superpower!

Tenten: I do?

Kakashi: Yeah. The power to be INVISIBLE!

Orochimaru: BUUUURRRNNN!!

Tsunade: Would you stop lighting trees on fire!?

Orochimaru: But it’s fun! *lights match. Sets fire to tree* BUUUURRRNNN!!

Tsunade: JUST STOP IT!

Orochimaru: Oh, you’re just moody because it’s that time of month.

Tsunade: THE TIME OF MONTH WHEN I KICK YOUR ASS!!!

Kiba: BUUUURRRNNN!!

Tsunade: Piss off, Kiba.

Kiba: Okay. *unzips pants*

Hinata: Um…Naruto?

Naruto: Yeah?

Hinata: P-piss off!

Naruto: o_o?

Hinata: (Damn.)

Rock Lee: WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO ALSO PISS OFF, SAKU-CHAN??

Sakura: *punches Rock Lee*

Jiraiya: I say we all go to a hot spring!

Naruto: We just went to one.

Jiraiya: But I didn’t get any research done.

Naruto: -_-

Jiraiya: I meant for history class! If I fail another test, Iruka-sensei will make me sit in the naughty corner again! It sounded like a place I would like at first, but it wasn’t!!

Sasuke: Why do you have to do research in a hot spring?

Jiraiya: I’m able to study best when naked.

Rock Lee: AS AM I!

Sasuke: …ew.

Tenten: I…like to study naked, too!!

Everyone: *not listening*

Tenten: OH, COME ON!! NOBODY PAYS ATTENTION TO ME!! I FEEL LIKE THAT TAG ON THOSE MATTRESSES THAT SAY “DO NOT PULL UNDER PENALTY OF LAW”!!

Naruto: You’re not supposed to pull those off?

Tenten: No.

Naruto: o_o;; Oops.

Sakura: Oh, relax. It’s not like—

Police: MR. NARUTO UZAMAKI! DON’T MOVE! WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED!

Hinata: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE HIM!! YOU’LL HAVE TO GO THROUGH ME, FIRST!

Sakura: YEAH! YOU’LL HAVE TO GO THROUGH HER FIRST!!

Tenten: I’ll save the day!! *trips on shoelace*

Police: Well, that was lame.

Orochimaru: BUUUURRRNNN!!

Police: HEY, GET THAT MATCH AWAY FROM ME!!

Tsunade: ENOUGH ALREADY!! *Punches ground. Creates fissure causing police to fall into the earth*

Kakashi: Captain Obvious saves the day again!

Tsunade: Piss off, Kakashi.

Kakashi: You couldn’t afford it, honey!

Sasuke: Can we go now? I think that hello kitty over there is staring at me, and it’s giving me the creeps.

Kakashi: Sure! Let’s go home!

Naruto: I feel like we’re forgetting something, again.

*deep underground*

Tenten: HELLO?? ANYBODY?? IT’S SCARY DOWN HERE!

Police: Oh, shut up.